is the one you have with yourself.
In 2015, I was lost. Unhappy in a situation I felt I’d never get out of. Not that I hadn’t tried (because believe me I had) but I was so comfortable, I’d always end up in the same position again. I could speak all day about bad breakups and how necessary they are, but I really just want to focus on the most fulfilling and rewarding relationship I’ve ever cultivated.
I didn’t love myself very much before and it was really frustrating to start at that point in my life. I had gained a lot of weight in college, I was angry most of the time, and I had developed a very unhealthy coping mechanism; drinking almost every night.
I tried as hard as I could to run away from my former self. I worked out every day before & after work. I went completely vegan. I cut my hair short. I started using natural products. I can’t explain how different I felt. I was creating the perfect girl; exactly the person I wanted to be.
I don’t believe in any ‘process’. There have been many times in my life where I haven’t followed the process because it didn’t feel right and everything worked out.
There’s no right or wrong way to figure all of this out.
I’m terrible at math, but this is the way I’ve tried to explain it. Before, I only loved myself about 50% (probably less but let’s round it off) So, within that 50% I could only give 10% to my mom, 10% to my brother, and the rest for everyone else. That’s it. I gave all I could, it’s all I had.
When I started loving myself, my love was infinite. Pouring out of every orifice. I couldn’t hold it, I couldn’t measure it. The amount of love I have now, for myself and for others, is never ending. I will never be able to put a cap on it. I am so delusional and obliviously in love with myself, it doesn’t make sense.
One thing I wish people would understand, is that love is not weak. In fact, love is the strongest defense I’ve ever had. Love for myself, my hobbies, my truths – these have all formed a strong shelter around me. It’s so hard for people to hurt you if you’ve fostered love in so many places. Love for your health, for your family, for your dog, or whatever
I overthink everything – sometimes it drives me crazy but other times it creates a giant web of explanations for the questions spinning in my head. I take a small conflict, a gut feeling, a bad argument; anything really – and I dissect it. Pick apart all of the details like undoing a puzzle. Organizing these pieces accordingly, by color, placement. All of my concepts (self love, strength, processes) they all have a map, an extensive and unnecessary explanation.
At the end of August in 2016, I wrote a letter to myself. This is something I do often but 2016 did a lot for my mental health and my confidence. It was a deep breath in, and a deeper breath out. I can never express my gratitude for the strings I cut that year. Also for the beautiful messes that started. I’d like to think all of my words are comfort for my former self. Something I wish I had when I needed it. Anyways – the letter ended with this:
The best, I mean best decision, I ever made was to love myself. My greatest project… my most productive masterpiece… my love for myself overflows… it dictates my every move. It defines the perimeters in which my other relationships exist..
My love for others has burst, completely tearing at the seams. I spent the small amount of love I had on everyone else. Learning to reposition this love within… has multiplied my love, fortified it, strengthened it, ivy-rooted the shit out of it.
They say, you can’t fill someone else’s cup while yours is empty.
Forget the cup, I’m the fountain